2008 Woodie Awards
Say it with a SIMILE
If life is like 'a box of chocolates,' then college is like ...
Rebecca Bauman
Issue date: 2/21/08 Section: Opinion
... a game of tetherball, and every semester that hard orb comes swinging back at my head with all the force and speed of a deliberate whack. I gotta stay on top of this thing, I gotta keep batting at it, or I'll get smacked in the face and end up unconscious and disoriented on the pavement.
... a tall wave that will deliver me to a rocky, foreign shore.
... buying a cumbersome C-cup bra at the age of 13, when I can only really fit into a B-cup, but am just too darned excited, knowing any day now I'll be a fine, busty lass.
... an iron lung. And once I'm taken off that machine, I might not be able to survive.
... the series of flaming hoops a singed-but-eager circus poodle must leap through.
... an examination via rectal thermometer. Despite all the squirming and squinting, the experience offers some revelation of vital info as to one's inner self.
... how I play 'Street Fighter II': I don't know what any of the controller buttons do, so I just keep mashing all of them down at random intervals, as fast as I can, until Chun-Li body slams whoever it is she's fighting.
... a condom. There's a bevy of colors and flavors to choose from, and the proper fit can save your life.
... a lone, bent tree root protruding from a cliff side. It's all I can hold onto, and when it breaks, I'll suffer a long, hard drop into a place I'd surely love to be, if only there were some other way to arrive.
... 'Secret' antiperspirant: strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
... fast food. We all have to do what we can to survive, have to get what we can afford. Even if it leaves us depressed, greasy and overweight, this filling foodstuff will see us through until a day we can afford a more well-rounded meal.
... a tall wave that will deliver me to a rocky, foreign shore.
... buying a cumbersome C-cup bra at the age of 13, when I can only really fit into a B-cup, but am just too darned excited, knowing any day now I'll be a fine, busty lass.
... an iron lung. And once I'm taken off that machine, I might not be able to survive.
... the series of flaming hoops a singed-but-eager circus poodle must leap through.
... an examination via rectal thermometer. Despite all the squirming and squinting, the experience offers some revelation of vital info as to one's inner self.
... how I play 'Street Fighter II': I don't know what any of the controller buttons do, so I just keep mashing all of them down at random intervals, as fast as I can, until Chun-Li body slams whoever it is she's fighting.
... a condom. There's a bevy of colors and flavors to choose from, and the proper fit can save your life.
... a lone, bent tree root protruding from a cliff side. It's all I can hold onto, and when it breaks, I'll suffer a long, hard drop into a place I'd surely love to be, if only there were some other way to arrive.
... 'Secret' antiperspirant: strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
... fast food. We all have to do what we can to survive, have to get what we can afford. Even if it leaves us depressed, greasy and overweight, this filling foodstuff will see us through until a day we can afford a more well-rounded meal.
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